Let’s just get right to the matter at hand. I want to discuss “SHAME.” Shame is so clever it will creep in and destroy love, and all healthy and positive relationships. It will alter the relationship with yourself. It will keep us from self love on so many levels. It will play on our self image and we will begin to project shameful emotions within our self esteem. Shame is a painful emotion that is caused by guilt. We do our best to hide it with EGO. It keeps us in fear. It sabotages our ability in learning our true nature and our essence, in our radiance and beautiful light. Shame keeps us from recognizing our highest good, and our GOD and GODDESS expression.
My first area of shame is body shame. I’ve been replaying the memory of childhood messages over in my mind for all of 40 + years. I’m just now getting to the core of this negative conditioning brought on by negative childhood messages. These messages replay in my head often like noisy chatter. Just when I begin to feel good about myself these voices come and remind me of who I was told I was by family and so-called friends. I was too fat. My thighs were too thick. My lips were too big. My butt was too much.
Then there is the social and cultural conditioning placed on most of us induced by christian religious beliefs. The so-called first woman named Eve was the downfall of man, and all humankind, and brought on pangs of deception, and evil upon the whole planet, by choosing to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. When I think back on the story I can’t help but think, Eve must of been one POWERFUL Chick to have the ability to do all of that with just one bite. DAMN! That’s some amazing shit, but to circulate that type of creation story filled with guilt, shame and sorrow and pass this sexist information down throughout generations of women to women, and womb to womb is a device of propaganda that has been used to control female sexuality, and induces psychic trauma known as misogyny against ourselves, as well as generational womb trauma. I speak of the womb being all inclusive of the vagina, the Yoni, also known as our pussies! Can I get an Amen, or yet an AWOMAN!
We were taught to be shameful of our vagina’s. They are believed to be smelly, ugly, and hairy. Many of our Mother’s have been conditioned to believe the same things about their wondrous vulvas, and have taught us the same beliefs, many times not in words, but through her behavior of how she carries herself, and quietly spoke about her vagina. If she ever spoke about her vagina at all. Many men also believe this and speak it openly, but yet they can’t seem to stay away from our delicious piece of so-called ugly, hairy, smelly, juicy, soft, tight, supple, expandable, and succulent goodness. Yeah, call it what you want. We got POWER!
We are taught to be shameful of our healthy bleeding times. These times are in rhythm with the moon phases, and most needed in procreation, and childbirth in leaving ancestral legacy, and descendants. The blood is so HOLY it’s needed to infuse spirit into matter. It’s needed for spirit travel, and human experience, and again we are taught shame surrounding this magical, moon time experience. I must say if it wasn’t for the divine design of the womb, and her natural bleeding times we wouldn’t have the ability to reproduce. Once again WE are some POWERFUL Chicks! Can I get a Heaven’s YES!
When I really sat down and probed myself about all of my shame, I realized that most everyone I knew had been lied to about who they truly are, women especially, and we women are wounded, and it became clearer that I was a victim of someone else’s cultural and social conditioning, negative noise, and shameful messaging. So, now the question is how do I get rid of this bullshit, this body shame? How do I work through sexual abuse and molestation? How do I work through not feeling guilty during intimacy and sexual fulfillment? How do I feel comfortable taking off all my clothes in front of my man, my lover, my King while keeping the lights on? I know many of you are reading this and saying, or have said the same thing. Now, the main thing is, “How did I do it?” Let’s just say I’m still in transition, and it’s a process, and I have beautiful people in my life that support my healing.
I took a BIG leap! Oh, I mean a BIG ONE! Whew! I did what we women fear to do, and most of us won’t do! I shared my body shame, my fear and insecurities. I shared my sexual molestation, and any other memory I could think of that sabotaged my healthy self image. I shared this with my King. I EXPOSED my fear! I used the wisdom of vulnerability, and truth to combat this wicked demon. I told him before the first lay me down…”Look, I’m not a size 2, or a size 7. I’m a BIG hammer. A size 16/18 on a good day. I have stretch marks, tattoos, bullet wounds, and a c-section scar. My ass is forever smiling because of the dimples, and I have an issue with my stomach because of my c-section scar. I have 4 children and 2 baby daddies, and they haven’t left my belly. It bothers me! My womb area is my biggest body insecurity. My body cringes with just the thought of you touching it! Can you love me?”
I came straight, no chaser!
When the initial lay down happened he loved me so natural, so strong, and so good his touch made me feel comfortable. Some what anyway! We are talking about 40+ years of conditioning here! It wasn’t going away by one good night of passionate, bomb ass love making! I had work to do!
Months later my King continued to make passionate love to me, and my body. My trust for him, his intentions and his love for me, and US increased. Now, I got real BOLD! I think I must have been possessed…REALLY! I asked him one day, “Baby, you know my body insecurities is my stomach, my lower belly, my c-section scar. You know I have issues with my weight. Baby, I need to heal me from this body shame. I need you to touch, kiss, caress my stomach, my belly scar, my stretch marks, my womb area. I need you to make love to this area, and I need you to allow me to cringe, get tense, release my tears and go through my emotions of fear. I trust you to help heal me from this lie. Please baby! Will you help me heal? At that moment I no longer wanted to run. I exposed myself, and my insecurities. It was the most incredible and loving experience unto myself. I want every woman to experience it! Let me add some Queenly advice. You know when you are in a relationship with your DIVINE compliment when he can agree to make love to you, and your body shame, your fears and your insecurities, and make you feel BEAUTIFUL. Let’s just say I felt like a runway model without an eating disorder. Yes, I’m plus size girl living a Queen size life, flaws and all!
I came to the realization that I’ve always been a big, thick girl give or take a few sizes. My weight has always fluctuated. I’ve been on every diet and diet scam known to woman. I’ve battled with serious depression trying to be something I’m not, and will never be, and that’s skinny. I’ve become more confident with my proportions and learned to love my BIG, sexy self, and I know how to flaunt it well. I’ve had men approach me who have admitted to never want or desire a big girl, but found my big FINE ass simply IRRESISTIBLE! What I’ve learned is that true beauty is not determined by my dress size, but by the size of my heart, the curve of my smile, and the content of my character. My beauty is examined by how well I wear my confidence. Confidence is what attracts the right man, and I have a whole lot of it. For my big, thick and fine Sistas who are insecure, and are experiencing body shame based on your size, and tripping over your body image here’s a bit of advice. If his man muscle gets erect, and stays hard while you’re butt, ass naked, Hunny you have nothing to worry about. Let that man stimulate your body, arouse your desire, and touch and kiss you in places that make you feel uncomfortable. Yes, I said uncomfortable! Get over your fear of what you think of your body. Let that man MAKE LOVE to every inch of you! Release that body shame and hate, and let go. ENJOY IT! ENJOY YOU! Whether you’re a size 2 or a size 22 you deserve GOOD LOVE! Besides when you lay down all 250 lbs of you turns into sweet, juicy, succulent, tight, wet, soft, gushy, goodness. Ask him! He’ll tell you. If he hasn’t told you already. Skip the diet and just get healthy in your mind, body and soul. Release the world’s version of who you are supposed to be. Love yourself NOW, and believe me the rest will follow. Allow trust, vulnerability, and sexual healing to work it’s magic and continue to heal. Besides it feels so GOOD, Goddess!
Tracey R. Bryant also known as “The Honey Diva” is a Romance Specialist, a Self Love and Sensual Empowerment Coach, Holistic Sexual Health Consultant, Priestess, Yoni Steam and Kemetic Reiki Practitioner, Womb Wellness, and Sex Educator. She is the owner of Sensual Honey Feminine Wellness – a new feminine and tranquil spa experience. She is also the owner of Honey Luv Lingerie & More “The Romance Store.” A sensual empowerment boutique that promotes romance, sensual and sexual health and wellness to women and couples. She is the hostess of HoneySoul Radio a Love, Sex and Relationship online radio show. She can be contacted at email@example.com